When something is unpleasant or uncomfortable, and you’re not getting the answers you want, what is your first response? In which direction is your attention turned?
Often, the habit I see is to do whatever we can to distract ourselves from a feeling that is arising up in us. It can be anything like the mindless scrolling through social media, or addictively checking your accounts looking for answers to just anything you can get, going down the rabbit hole of randomly-chosen YouTube videos, constantly looking for food, starting up and getting attached to a conversation you aren’t even really interested in having, compulsively checking the ‘Read’ status on a message you’ve sent, or turning towards alcohol due to a rough week (Friday night wines anyone?) The methods of distraction are limitless, and all of these examples are personal ones. If you identify with having experienced this feeling, even in the past, then I’m in it with you.
These days, I’ve gotten to the place where if I slip in to any of these ways, I become aware of it much quicker than before and can check myself (before I wreck myself). But I’ve only gotten to this place through enquiry. What is it that I’m trying to find in these things? I have dabbled in these habits to varying extents quite frequently in my adult life. After long enough of feeling sick of feeling crap, eventually I got to the point where I assessed enough to identify the common theme, each time. When this habit pops up, whatever its manifestation, I know now it usually indicates there’s a certain dissatisfaction being experienced. Whether it’s a feeling of stuckness, wanting to know more about a particular person or situation and trying to get answers just anywhere I can, or forgetting my goals and direction and how much I want them for a moment, all of these things can drive me and my focus to spiral in the opposite direction of what feels good. And while I’m a firm believer that resistance can lend it’s way to momentum and fresh drive and clarity, sitting in habits that only make you feel small aren’t healthy.
I explain this because it got, and still gets, to the point where this behaviour and these habits are getting in my way. This is where my practicing methods of self-regulation come in. If I find myself having sat there for half an hour constantly opening apps, checking them, closing them, only to open them up right away, not even out of interest or a lack of anything else to do (because there truly is so much to do, all the time) but simply because I seem to be stuck in this weird addiction loop, I check in with how it’s making me feel. On most days, I’m able to recognise that this behaviour is not making me feel good and also not going to result in me getting whatever it is I feel like I need – it being a fruitless exercise versus one where there is information to legitimately come. When this recognition arises, I am now more able to step out of the habit enough to choose the option which does feel best.
It immediately clears my head a bit more.
The more I persist in choosing what feels better instead of what feels compulsive or distracting, the more I feel like I’m living in my purpose. This purposeful feeling compounds upon itself over time, so it’s not one to be underestimated. Instead of spending my time doing something that does not add to me, my life, my relationships, or my work in any way, I now feel mentally clearer, have more energy to get things done that serve a bigger purpose, am more rested because when I’m having downtime I am actually resting, can give more to the friendships and relationships in my life that matter, am able to discern what it really is that’s draining me instead of just feeling heavy… The list goes on.
I feel like at this point I want to put in a line here about how I don’t believe social media is the devil, just the compulsive ways in which we can get wrapped up in using it. I don’t think having a glass of wine with a good meal is the worst thing, especially since I’m all about those flavours and good company. And I certainly don’t think having a movie day every once in a while is a bad thing either. Sometimes we need a down day where we literally do nothing else but rest our bodies and minds, and just let ourselves be entertained.
My point is in highlighting the reasons why we are using or approaching these things in the first place. When I catch myself feeling shit in the middle of one of these activities when I know that there are things I would actually rather be doing (and could be!), that’s when I know something needs to shift, and it’s up to me to do so.
It is up to me.
And how you spend your time is up to you. How you respond to these feelings of stuckness, frustration, whatever else, is also up to you. In my experience, to get caught up in these distractions with no purpose throws us in to chaos. This is the chaos of spiralling, powerlessness (giving away our power), making up stories when we don’t really know, and forgetting the power of acceptance in the face of not-knowing. Also… We can’t share what we’re here to share with the world, that magical thing of value within each of us, from this place. If you’re looking around you constantly (or on your news feed or even from the yoga mat) seeing all the accomplishments of others, and find yourself getting frustrated? Check in and notice how you’re spending your time, right then and there.
Self-regulation is a form of compassion to ourselves. We are not shying away from what it is we’re feeling, trying to distract ourselves or diving deeper into the chaos of the feeling. The self-regulation of this kind acknowledges that we’re feeling a certain way, and does ourselves the kindness in deciding to drop what is no longer needed so we can live healthier lives.
Just like when you’re stepping on to the mat, you give yourself permission to let go of what you’ve been carrying with you that doesn’t need to be there, noticing these unhealthy habits and your habitual responses to such things can empower you to choose how you live your own life. You decide what to fill it with.
