There is a difference between the boundary of saying ‘no’ to something so that you can have more time, energy, attention for something else, and going on to feel guilt about it anyway.
You get to build freedom for both.
Let’s talk about it, because so often the advice is focused on how to say no, or why to say no [so you can say ‘yes’ to other things]. I’ve given this advice myself, and honestly, will continue to do so because it’s the first very important step – recognising that what you say ‘yes’ to, means a ‘no’ for something else. So it’s important to only say ‘yes’ to things you really want to, and ‘no’ to things that might get in the way of your otherwise very enthusiastic ‘yes’ elsewhere.
[Is that enough ‘no’ and ‘yes’ for you yet?”]
Here’s the second part I didn’t realise I was still stuck on for years, until fairly recently:
When you’re still making or allowing yourself to feel guilty for your ‘no’, you’re still draining energy in a similar way than if you had said ‘yes’.
Not exact, but similar. It’s still an energy leak, and if you really want to gain the benefit of your wholehearted, loving ‘no’, for your enthusiastic ‘yes’, then you, me, we collectively need to drop the guilt. [My family comes from Irish Catholic roots, so we do guilt too well].
This will be something you’ll have to work at. Unfortunately, it won’t happen magically by simple desire or decision alone. The decision, and predetermining desire, will need to be follow up with active attention and re-direction. Like all mindset and embodiment work, it isn’t a magic pill [so let’s not treat it as such]. But it is possible.
Maybe you explore with a therapist, or a coach [hi!] about why the guilt is there. It can be helpful to understand what your mind is making it mean when you say ‘no’, even though you’re already doing the good work for you in saying it in the first place. Our thoughts and our feelings don’t always match up, so you get to explore this.
So as you head deep into this holiday season, including your goals and desires for the new year, and hell, well into the new year and any damn month – keep this in mind. If not for your sanity, but maybe also for the benefit of those around you.
This article was originally posted over on my Substack.
