Does anyone else feel like 2017 was loaded incorrectly? Surely there must have been some kind of file error when the universe/the Gods/past ‘you’ plugged in the new year at the end of 2016 and said “oh, she’ll be right.” Is this not what happened?
I had a small epiphany last week while walking home from the studio… Literally everything (at least that I can think of) that I have planned this year has not worked out how I imagined. Another way of saying this could also be where virtually everything, again at least that I can think of, that has happened this year has not been exactly planned: I left my part-time job and jumped straight into complete self-employment far sooner (but as a much happier Jess) than I planned to; I put off a trip to Europe not once, but twice, the second time after buying plane tickets and all (that one stung); I got a dog a whole day after suddenly deciding to (no regrets there); I actually couldn’t decide what the hell to do for my birthday this year because I knew I couldn’t do what I really wanted to do, so much so that I very almost did nothing; plus an actual full list of other things.
So beyond the usual question of “Is 2017 actually just messing with me?” I went a little deeper… All of these things happened/didn’t happen out of a plan. It all came about or otherwise simply by circumstance of moving forward with my big picture plans. The ones that feel amazing, but give you zero idea about how to handle the little bits in the meantime. Yes, those ones. Something in me tells me that this is all to do with timing. The things I don’t have that I so dearly desire: timing. The things I had an idea of and planned carefully for that happened totally different: timing. So I’m not sure anymore if anything is actually going ‘wrong’, or just continually transforming giving me a taste for what’s to come with maybe a big fat “not yet” in the meantime. Or in other cases, a giant prod of “now is the time, so get of your ass.” None of it’s wrong, and none of it is particularly over.
Here’s the thing though. It feels good to plan sometimes. I love planning a holiday, or knowing what exactly I’m feeling exited for, or feeling into what I’m looking forward to, knowing it will come to pass. Those things feel good. But also the magical way things come about feel good too, I can’t even try to argue with that. The frustration, or confusion, lies in just not knowing what’s steady, what’s there, what’s real, what’s safe, what’s happening when. So after some deep introspection on my part, it seems to all come down to surrender. I imagine the danger here is that a lot of people would just think “well, what’s the point of even trying?” and more or less give up. I have this deep felt sense that this is not the way to go about things here. You see, it doesn’t matter if things don’t work out exactly as planned, what matters is that you’re continually moving towards what feels right/exciting/good for you in any given moment and it’s that movement on your part that gives over to the momentum of everything needed for it all to fall into place.
Let’s not forget we are also human beings. It is in our inherent nature to be working towards something, planning for or organising small steps towards a larger goal. To not do so can leave us feeling listness, of little value and of little ‘point’. See what I’m getting at here? If we can surrender to the ‘how’ and the ‘exact’ way things in our lives transpire, and just focus on moving in a continual direction (as much as we can) towards things that feel good, we’ll get anything but the predictable life that bores so many into complacency. We may not get everything we ever want (that’s an issue for our ego to relax on), but we are more likely to get those things that we need, even if we can’t see the reason for them straight away.
