Stepping forward when you’re in fear can be bloody painful.
No, not just scary and uncomfortable. I’m talking actual pain.
When we’re being guided to seemingly turn away from what feels light, what feels right, towards a different, singular focus, can feel wrong. Of course it does. It feels like we are being told we’ll only get this one thing at the expense of the others. But is that really true? Fear tells us we don’t get those other things at all… ever… Because of course we can’t ask for, desire or want too much to bring joy into our lives. That’s greedy, isn’t it? (No.) Fear tells us all these things… But if you can find enough stillness, just enough to listen to that ever-present, ever-quiet voice underneath that noisy fear, you find that there is something else informing us that it’s BECAUSE of our attraction to those other things that we are being guided in this way… For this is the way forward to the things meant and waiting for us.
We just can’t see it yet. So do we fight for the straight path that keeps these things in sight, even if it means they stay equally at a distance … OR… do we trust that this other way will lead us there, but with many more riches to collect along the way?
So yes, it can be painful to feel as if we are turning away from what matters so much to us and step forward on to that path that, in reality, is the only one presenting itself to us. That pain is when we feel like we are being forced to let go of our lightness. But all that good and light led us to this very point, so it simply cannot be wrong. It can only mean we’re heading in the right direction. It just means that we’re closer by going this way.
Think of any journey, where you can see the goal destination from a distance, but as you get closer for a time you can only see the details close around you… Trees on the side of the path as you head up the mountain, unable to see the top from where you stand; buildings as you drive towards the city, blocking your view of the high-rises in the city centre because you’ve gotten close enough to be amongst what surrounds it… Until BAM! You’re there.
If you’re a fantasy novel enthusiast, put aside the specific story details for a moment if you can and think about the journeys here. Those such as Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series, where Roland is drawn to the tower, knowing he must get there. It feels right to him, it feels like what his very existence is for, even though he can’t see it until the point in the story when he suddenly can (there’s no spoilers in that)… Or even J. R. R. Tolkien, the absolute Master of detailing a journey down to the most minute detail, telling of the Hobbits’ journey towards what they simply know is right. They’ve undertaken this journey despite the challenges presented simply because they know life will be better in doing so. Most of that epic tale involves them just putting one step in front of the other, without being able to see where they are going. Just having the faith that this is the best way. (Note: This is a major simplification of each of these stories, but I like to hope you get the overall point in this).
So, does knowing these things make the fear non-existent? Probably not, but that’s not the point. We will never completely remove fear and that shouldn’t be the goal. What we’re looking for is enough. Enough to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if we’re unsure of where this new path is leading us. Enough to be present to what greets us as we step on to the path, even if we don’t know if our desires will ever be met (though of course they will, even if in a different way than we expected). Yes, this stepping forward from the relative comfort of feeling frozen, unmoving in fear just in case we need to keep holding on, can feel painful. It can feel like it takes a concerted physical effort just to do so, and trust me when I say I know how it feels when some mornings are harder than others. This is ok. The feelings, fears and worries in the heart that come up when you start to move are alright too. Nothing needs to be blocked or shut down. Simply acknowledged as a part of experiencing this very human life.
