I used to have a really stressful relationship with time. I don’t mean in the traditional “time-stressed” way. I mean in the way that I would be so very aware of it, constantly aware that “oh, *this* happened exactly a week ago and this is how I feel about it… and now it’s four weeks… And a month…” in a way that kept me very attached to events in my life. This counting of time in this way was, is, so unconscious for me. I don’t remember ever putting in any effort to build this… skill?… yet it was there, happening without my knowledge of how it became an inherent part of my perception of the world.

This relationship with time didn’t feel good. It was usually attached to a longing of wanting more of how certain events I was counting time away from made me feel, or a sense of sadness that it’d been so long since I’d seen someone I care about, gone to the movies, had a birthday, explored somewhere new, whatever… You get the idea. The depth of nostalgia it was soaked in didn’t feel like it was lifting me up. In fact, it felt like it was keeping me stuck to old ways, limiting beliefs and patterns, staying small and limited in my perception of how rich and good my life could feel.

All of this came up for me this morning. I have a regular morning meditation practice, which basically looks like me crawling out of bed to shower and then promptly crawling back in to bed (propped up with all the pillows for comfort) to sit with my eyes closed, embracing the quiet and stillness, and eventually embracing all of the experience of it – no matter how calm or opposite-of-calm it is on any given day. Usually this is somewhere between 20 and 30 minutes for me (I set a timer). This morning however, I wanted to dive deep. I felt tired of skating along the surface and wanted to create a space for myself to really look around at what’s going on within me, what possibilities or messages from the universe I may be missing because I’m not paying enough attention (or don’t know where I need to be paying attention to), and ultimately see what came up. So I set my timer for an hour.

A lot came up.

It was actually a fairly calm and serene experience, but I really got to observe some mental patterns show up. One of them was about time. I have certain time markers around the house subconsciously set within me. When I hear a housemate get up for work, then it must mean it’s about *this* time, if I hear the garbage truck on bin day then it’s about *that* time, if the dog is out and about the back yard instead of still snoozing (she likes to wake up just as gentlyas I do), then I know it’s *about time I got on with my day* etc. When a marker or two went off this morning, I realised I couldn’t easily guess how long I’d been sitting there for (yes, my analytical brain still likes to know these things even though I know there’s an alarm set). The second marker I heard made me realise I didn’t remember how long-ish I’d been quiet for when I’d heard the first marker (or.. Wait. Did I even hear a first marker then or did I imagine it?) and at that point I realised I was in the warp. I could guess as to which half of the hour I was existing in, but beyond that I didn’t know.

It felt good to let go of knowing, even if it was by a complete lack of way of knowing.

In the end, the alarm went off at least a good 10 minutes before I had expected (guessed) it might. And I opened my eyes up and exited the warp.

Why did I want to share this story here today? Because the exploration of how I personally relate to these elements in my very human life helps me to understand where I’m holding myself back. In the past couple of months I’ve been aware my relationship with time, as described above, has shifted to a healthier perspective. My awareness of my life’s events and ‘how it’s going’ doesn’t depends so much on what I’m counting from. So I’m probably more at ease. But I don’t know how that shift came about other than showing up for myself, day after day. And my experience while sitting quietly and just being present with myself this morning showed me how it warps to our perspective anyway, and how our perspective may not be accurate in the sense of what is ‘real’.

I’ve enjoyed a few semi-rare moments of being able to just be with time this week. The other day I sat in the sunshine at a randomly chosen seat while on a beach front walk and was just.. there. It wasn’t the most unobstructed view I could have chosen, since there was some works going on that made the scenery a little less ‘pure-nature’ but it felt right when I got to that point, so I plonked down and felt peace and much-needed sense of space. I also got to drive to Brisbane and back last night, a drive I really don’t mind, where I could just enjoy the quiet, the lack of being able to do anything else while driving, the exploration of where my thoughts went to (all while paying due attention to the road, I assure you). And then this morning’s meditation.

So I leave you with this: Carve out (actually carve into your schedule if you need to do that to make it happen) some time for you to just be, quietly, no music, audiobooks, podcasts, anything, and see what happens. It’s ok if what comes up is confronting or unpleasant, or something you didn’t expect. That’s a part of our processing what is held deep within us and that unpleasant feeling or thought is ready to release. It’s equally ok if it’s an enjoyable, peaceful experience. Embrace that feeling and enjoy the moment, knowing that you’re doing yourself a service in doing so as well.

Either way, see what happens. And see how it can allow you to expand a little more into your own expression of yourself.